Life Cycle of Engineers

Baba Khalid for all problems of Software Developer

Gita saar for software Developers

Gita Saar

Songs by professional

डीग्री भी लेलो, ये नौकरी भी लेलो ♥


ये डीग्री भी लेलो, ये नौकरी भी लेलो,

भले छीन लो मुझसे USA का विसा

मगर मुझको लौटा दो वो क्वालेज का कन्टीन,

वो चाय का पानी, वो तीखा समोसा..........



कडी धूप मे अपने घर से निकलना,

वो प्रोजेक्ट की खातीर शहर भर भटकना,

वो लेक्चर मे दोस्तों की प्रोक्झी लगाना,

वो सर को चीढाना ,वो एरोप्लेन उडाना,

वो सबमीशन की रातों को जागना जगाना,

वो ओरल्स की कहानी, वो प्रक्टीकल का किस्सा.....

बीमारी का कारण दे के टाईम बढाना,



वो दुसरों के Assignments को अपना बनाना,

वो सेमीनार के दिन पैरो का छटपटाना,

वो WorkShop मे दिन रात पसीना बहाना,



वो Exam के दिन का बेचैन माहौल,

पर वो मा का विश्वास - टीचर का भरोसा.....

वो पेडो के नीचे गप्पे लडाना,

वो रातों मे Assignments Sheets बनाना,



वो Exams के आखरी दिन Theater मे जाना,

वो भोले से फ़्रेशर्स को हमेशा सताना,

Without any reason, Common Off पे जाना,

टेस्ट के वक्त Table me मे किताबों को रखना,



ये डीग्री भी लेलो, ये नौकरी भी लेलो,

भले छीन लो मुझसे USA का विसा

मगर मुझको लौटा दो वो क्वालेज का कन्टीन,

वो चाय का पानी, वो तीखा समोसा

Bollywood Coder...very funny

The ones in BOLD are the best ones…

Just imagine it in the way they talk…

Latest dialogues from the movie "Ghayal Coder" under production:
 
Sunny Deol:    Bench pe bench, bench pe bench, Log paglon ki tarah training mein raat raat bhar padhte rahe aur unhe mili toh sirf bench!          
Analysis of algorithm karte karte unki khudki life ban gayi ek unsolvable algorithm aur unhe bhi mili to sirf bench!  
Training ke baad proj milega, phir appraisal hoga, phir onsite jaoonga isi soch mein logon ne training clear kar di aur unhe bhi mili toh sirf bench!
Bench par baithe baithe log khud ban gaye hai ek bench, aur phir bhi unhe mili toh  bench!
 
Sunny Deol:    Chaddha samjao ise....
Coding karne ke liye jo jigar chahiye hota hai wo  kisi bazaar mein nahi milta...
Coder use lekar paida hota hai....
 
Sunny Deol:    Aur jab yeh Dotnet  ka code kisi Java wale ko karna pad jata hai na,
Toh coder uth ta nahi, balki is duniya se uth jaata hai............
 
Sunny Deol:    Bazaar main aise code bht milte lekin unko chalane k liye jo seena chaiye hta hai who ek coder lekar paida hta hai
  
Developer Nana Patekar's dialogue:
Bang Bang Bang...(on the keyboard)...
Ye dekho ...
Ye 'C' ka code.. ye 'C++' ka code... Ye dono mila diya...
Ab bata  tester - 'C' ka kaunsa, 'C++' ka kaunsa???
Jab banane waale ne ismein koi farak nahi kiya to tum kaun ho farak karne waale.... Bata bata
 
RajKumar :
Jaani,
Jinke khud ke code JAVA mein hote hai,
Woh  DOT NET ka certification nahi diya karte!! 

Upcoming Horror movies in IT Sector.......

Here are upcoming Horror movies in IT Sector....... Deadline Wo Akhri Mail……………… Evil DART Masoom Coder- A Life in trouble 9 Ghante 15 Minute Ichadhari Bug Zahereelee Defect Prod Release ki Raat Do Hazar Code Ke Neeche REGRESSION - RELOADED 0 Bug – Mano ya na Mano…………….!!! I know what you CODED last summer Adam khor developer Bhut wala DC I still know what you CODED last summer Coding- The mystery continues……… Darinda manager, tadapta developer ... !!!! Andha code … !!! Gayab coder – A murder mystery.. !!! Zahreela food court .. !!! Recession – Jaani dushman Appraisal Ki Pyaas Badla Developer Ka Tester Bana Shaitaan Manager ki Cheekh  Tadapti Delivery Client Ka Qaher!!!!!!!!!!! Viraana Cubicle!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last but not the least  ................ Khooni Client Call

Happy Engineers Day....

Dedicated to all Engineers..........


Apne Project ke bojh tale dabaa ja raha hai,
Wo dekho ek engineer chala ja raha hai...
Zindagi se hara hua hai, Par schedule se haar nahi manta,
Apne Area ki ek ek beam isne analyse ki hai,
par aaj kaun se rang ke 'socks' pehne hain, ye nahi jaanta,
Din par din ek excel sheet banata ja raha hai,
Wo dekho ek engineer chala ja raha hai...

PC pe hazaar windows khuli hain,
Par dil ki khidki pe koi dastak sunayi nahi deti,
Sunday nahata nahi, week days ko naha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek engineer chala ja raha hai...

Kitabon me gulab rakhne wala , Outlook mein red flag lagaa raha hai,
Dil ki zameen se armaano ki vidayi ho gayi, Din bhar mails ke jawaab de raha hai,
Weekends pe daroo peke jo jashn mana raha hai,
Wo dekho ek engineer chala ja raha hai...

Maze lena ho iske to poochh lo,
"Salary Increment" ki party kab de rahe ho,
Hansi udana ho to pooch lo,
"On site" kab ja rahe ho?
Wo dekho Foreign se laute team-mate ki chocolates kha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek engineer chala ja raha hai...

Kharche bad rahe hain, Baal kam ho rahe hain,
Salary ki date ati nahi,
Income Tax ke sitam ho rahe hain,
Lo phir se bus chhoot gayi, Auto se aa raha hai,
Wo dekho ek engineer chala ja raha hai...

Pizza gale se nahi utarta,
To "Coke" ke sahare nigal liya jata hai,
Office ki "Thaali" dekh muh banata hai,
Maa ke haath ka khana use roz yaad aata hai,
"Sprout Bhel" bani hai phir bhi, Free "Evening Snacks" kha raha hai,
Wo dekho ek engineer chala ja raha hai...

Aapne ab tak li hongi bahut si chutikiyan,
ek engineer ke jivan ka sach batati ye aakhri kuch panktiyan,
Hazaron ki tankhwah wala, Company ki karodon ki jeb bharta hai,
ek engineer wahi ban sakta hai, Jo lohe ka jigar rakhta hai,
Hum log jee jee ke marte hain , Zindagi hai kuch aisi,
Ek fauj ki naukri, doosri ek Engineer ki ,Dono ek jaisi,
Is kavita ka har shabd mere dil ki gehrayi se aa raha hai,
Wo dekho ek engineer chala ja raha hai...

Song by Every Professional...

ये डीग्री भी लेलो, ये नौकरी भी लेलो,

भले छीन लो मुझसे USA का विसा
मगर मुझको लौटा दो वो क्वालेज का कन्टीन,
वो चाय का पानी, वो तीखा समोसा..........

कडी धूप मे अपने घर से निकलना,
वो प्रोजेक्ट की खातीर शहर भर भटकना,
वो लेक्चर मे दोस्तों की प्रोक्झी लगाना,
वो सर को चीढाना ,वो एरोप्लेन उडाना,
वो सबमीशन की रातों को जागना जगाना,
वो ओरल्स की कहानी, वो प्रक्टीकल का किस्सा.....
बीमारी का कारण दे के टाईम बढाना,

वो दुसरों के Assignments को अपना बनाना,
वो सेमीनार के दिन पैरो का छटपटाना,
वो WorkShop मे दिन रात पसीना बहाना,

वो Exam के दिन का बेचैन माहौल,
पर वो मा का विश्वास - टीचर का भरोसा.....
वो पेडो के नीचे गप्पे लडाना,
वो रातों मे Assignments Sheets बनाना,

वो Exams के आखरी दिन Theater मे जाना,
वो भोले से फ़्रेशर्स को हमेशा सताना,
Without any reason, Common Off पे जाना,
टेस्ट के वक्त Table me मे किताबों को रखना,

ये डीग्री भी लेलो, ये नौकरी भी लेलो,
भले छीन लो मुझसे USA का विसा
मगर मुझको लौटा दो वो क्वालेज का कन्टीन,
वो चाय का पानी, वो तीखा समोसा

Love letter by HR

To,
Aarthi Agarwal
7.0 S.M

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Aarthi,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.  Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager

We are becoming lesser by the day

21^st Century....

We are becoming lesser by the day

Our  communication - Wireless 

Our  dress - Topless 

Our  telephone - Cordless 

Our  cooking - Fireless 

Our  youth - Jobless 

Our  food - Fatless 

Our  labour - Effortless 

Our  conduct - Worthless 

Our  relation - Loveless 

Our  attitude - Careless 

Our  feelings - Heartless 

Our  politics - Shameless 

Our education - Valueless 

Our follies -  Countless 

Our  arguments - Baseless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very Very less  

Our emails - useless (especially this one)!

NEVER LOVE A SOFTWARE GIRL....

Never  marry  a Testing girl since she always Doubts U  .

Never  marry  a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.

Never  marry  a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.

Never  marry  a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.

Never  marry  a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
 

Never  marry  a .NET girl since she is not AFFORDABLE.

 
Never  marry  a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never  marry   a UNIX girl ,she always  dump  u with a core.

Never  marry  a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.

Never  marry  a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never  marry  a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.

Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY.........

How much days you are working

After 10 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- S! o, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager! :- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that

I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK 

All Izz Well.....Developer's Version

Advice to Smokers

Once a Smoker was smoking at airport.........

A gentleman came & asked him. How much do you smoke a day?

Smoker : Why are you asking such question?

Gentleman replied : If you had collected that money instead of smoking,the
plane which is in front of you, would have been yours.

Smoker asked that gentleman : Do you smoke?

Gentleman:-No.

Smoker asked:-is that plane belongs to you?

Gentleman replied:- No.

Smoker:-Thanks for your kind advice,but that plane is mine

[Smoker's Name - Vijay Mallya]

Moral of the Story : Unnecessary advice is injurious to health

The Best "Out of Office" E-mail Auto-Replies

The Best "Out of Office" E-mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
11: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'...  

Who is best after all?

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, Pretty eyes, cute cheeks , sexy and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people says, "Oh My God."

Laughing Time

Ek Larki Ko Dekha To Aisa Laga

Doosri Larki Ko Dekha To Vaisa Laga
Jab Dono Ne Joote Maarey...To Ek Jaisa Laga!!!

********************

Zamane ke dar se
teri tasweer toilet mein chupa rakhi hai!
dedar ho tera bar bar
isliye julab ki goli kha rakhi hai

********************

Woh Larki Kitni Pyaari Thi,
Jis Ko Aankh Maari Thi
Woh Sendal Kitni Bhaari Thi,
Jo Us Ney Sar Per Maari Thi

********************

1 barsat ki raat
-ek bhigi ladki,
-bhiga badan,
-bhigi zulfe,
-bhige hoth,
-Hum dono ki nazare mili,
-use dekhke aisa laga ki
.
.
.
Kal use 100 % sardi hogi!

********************

Pyar karnevale
PARESAN ho jate he
Shadi karnevale
SHARABI ho jate he,
Divorce denevale
DEVDAS ho jate he,
Ham se Dosti karnevale
MSG SE MEHARBAN ho jate he

********************

Ek yug the jab log apne
ghar ke dwar par
likhte the "Atithi Devo Bhav".
Phir likhne lage "Shubh Labh"
Phir "U R WELCOME"
Aur ab likthe hain
"Kutton Se Saawdhaan"!

********************

Khat likh raha hoon khoon se,
syahi mat samajhna.
Khat likh raha hoon khoon se
syahi mat samajhna.
Kisi mariz ka sample liya tha,
mera mat samajhna.

********************

D 1 who smokes,get a smoky heart.
D 1 who drinks,get an alcoholic heart.
So dear u must stop eating sweets,
as u r already a sweet heart.

********************

wo shayad ab bhi hame chahte hain,
tabhi to hame dekhkar yun muskurate hain.
Ye to uske bacchhe hi kameene hain,
jo hame MAMA-MAMA bulate hain!

********************

Shehar ki gali
mein paan ki dukaan.
Devdas ne dekhi
paro ki muskaan.
Devdas ne khilaya
Paro ko paan.
Khake paan Paro boli
"Shukriya Bhai Jaan".

********************

I just met some1 in Cafe Coffee Day.
Real good looking,
dead smart,So delightful.
More like a celebrity.
As I walked nearer,
DAMN SAINT GOBAIN mirror.
It was me!!

********************

Maine tujhe dekha,
Dekhta raha,
Dekhta Raha
Dekhta hi gaya ,
Phir mujhe chashma lag gaya

********************

Q.Why doesnt a donkey eat grass??
?
?
?
?
?
?
?

?
?
?
?
?

?
?
?
?
?

?
?
?
?
?

?
?
?
?
?
?
A.Anyways...its ur personal matter
& I should not interfere in it.

********************

Friendship is like FEVICOL - toote nahin
Love is like cold drink -Ye Dil Maange More
Girlfriend is like detergent - Pehle istemal
karo phir vishwaas karo.

********************

D professor of a business school asks,
"What is d most important source of
finance for starting business?"
A student replies,"Father-in-law"

********************

After coming back from US every indian do this..........huh

Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

 

Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.

 

Sprays deo such so that he doesn't need to take bath.

 

Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

 

Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".

 

Says "Yogurt" instead says "Curds".

 

Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".

 

Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".

 

Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".

 

Says " Free Way " instead of "Highway".

 

Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".

 

Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)

 

Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

 

Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

 

Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

 

Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

 

When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)

 

Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"

 

Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

 

Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".

 

Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

 

Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.

 

Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.

 

Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".

 

Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

 

From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India , even after 4 months of arrival.

 

Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

 

Ultimate one : Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

Love Letter Written In Java

To,
      MY NEW SWEET INNER CLASS,

THE DAY WHEN MY EX- GIRLFREIND BECOMES PUBLIC SHE LEFT ME, THE WHOLE

CLASSPATH IS DISTURBED AND MY HEART IS THROWING NULL POINTER

EXCEPTION, WHICH I CANT REMOVE .

THE DAY WHEN I SAW U IN BIN MARKET, THE WHOLE ENVIRONMENT VARIABLE

CHANGE AND I FALL IN LOVE, IF U ACCEPT MY LOVE I KNOW MY HEART THREAD

WILL EXECUTE NORMALLY .

THE DAY WHEN I MEET U MY HEART FEELS THAT………U AND ONLY U R THE ONE
TO WHOM I THINK IS FINAL AND STATIC IN NATURE, U AND ONLY U CAN

OVERRIDE MY HEART,

I FEEL U R LIKE A LANG PACKAGE TO MY HEART, WHICH IS AVAILABLE ALWAYS
TO ME. MY HEART NEEDS ONE CATCH BLOCK TO LIVE, IF U WANNA BECOME MY
GF THEN TELL ME SOME NECESSARY PACKAGE SO I IMPORT FOR U .

WAITING FOR UR COMPILATION
HOPE FOR NO
ERROR, WARNING AND EXCEPTION


YOUR ONLY LOVE
BASE CLASS

Life after Unique Identity System-very funny

Nandan Nilekani can do it.....Fully integrated ID card system for Indian citizens  read till end  Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..." Customer: "Heloo, Heloo, can I order.." Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?" Customer: "It's he..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610" Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu. Your home number is 22678893, your office 25076666 and your mobile is 09869798888. Today morning you landed in India at IG International Airport. Welcome back, Sir. Which number are you calling from now Sir?" Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers? Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir" Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..." Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir" Customer: "How come?" Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir" Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?" Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it" Customer: "How do you know for sure?" Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir" Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?" Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00" Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?" Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.." Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives" Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today" Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?" Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..." Customer: " What!" Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107.." Customer: " ????" Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?" Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?" Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... " Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^ Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?" Customer: [Faints]